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The Banquet Circuit (September 2004)Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.
Doctor Joke's A
pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for
nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically,
she asks the doctor about her baby. The
doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine.
Your brother came in and named them." The
woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting
the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, DeNephew. A
man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He replied, "I got shingles." Fifteen
minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I
got shingles." So
she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change
into this gown and wait in the examining room." A
half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got
shingles." So
she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told
him to wait for the doctor. An
hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" A
man visits his doctor and says, doctor, I keep seeing green Martians before my
eyes. The
doctor asks have you seen a psychiatrist? The
patient says, "No Only green Martians!"
My Mother Taught Me... As a distinguished matron approached the church entrance, a little boy stepped aside and held the door for her. "What a polite little doorman," she said as she walked through. "Is there a tip involved?" "Oh,
no," answered the young man. "My mother taught me never to be good for
money, but always to be good for nothing."
When I Was Your Age A
young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare
one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get
in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old
gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man
as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join
him. To
his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but
plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the
9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large
pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said,
"You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With
that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right
smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot
from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall." Kids! His
father sends a small boy to bed. Five minutes later.... A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When
I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The
teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!" Don't Drink and Drive One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.". |
