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The Banquet Circuit (October 2004)Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.
The Wrong E-mail A man who was just married was flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride was to accompany him the next day. When he got there he e-mailed his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sent the E-mail he miss-typed the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the E-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother's cry, the widow's 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on with a message. It reads: Dear
love, Love, P.S. Sure is hot down here. Lawyers A
lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the
door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer
was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer,
look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined. "You
lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're
so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm
was ripped off!" "Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!" Administrators A
man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted
a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help
me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where
I am." The
man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30
feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between
58 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You
must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I
am," replied the man, "but how did you know?" "Well,"
answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still
lost." The
man below responded, "You must be an administrator (substitute principal,
superintendent, etc.)" "I
am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well,"
said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made
a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your
problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we
met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." Becoming a Man A
man takes his son tiger hunting. They're creeping through the weeds and the man
says, "Son, this hunt marks your passage into manhood. Do you have any questions?
And the boy says, "Yes, if the tiger kills you, how do I get home?"
Three Old Ladies Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!" |
