Jokes, stories
and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important
presentation.
Don't
ever question the bravery of our soldiers again
The
2008 Darwin Awards
Yes,
it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring
the least evolved among us.
Here are the glorious winners:
1.
When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up
in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can
only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This
time it worked.
And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef
at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a
little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company
expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried
the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal
bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed
to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting
there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling
the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was
in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming
train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was
simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before
he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill
on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the
man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill
on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone
points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems
an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw
a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So
he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The
cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking
him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole
event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York
convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately,
and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and
drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told
to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbour
News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti ,
Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down
because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When
the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle
street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene
to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline
and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The
owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh
he'd ever had.
