The Banquet Circuit (October 2005)

Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.

Breaking Curfew

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast
Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot.
However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."

One More St. Peter Joke

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago"

Norm's Greetings

Have you ever wished you could remember Norm's greetings on Cheers?

1. "What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

2. What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

3. What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

4. "What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

5. Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

6. "What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

7. "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

8. "Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

9. "What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

10. "Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

11. "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

12. "How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

13. "Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."

14. "What's going down, Normie?"
" My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

15. "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

16. "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

17. "What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

18. "What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

19. "Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

The Undertaker

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years oder than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

Two Basketball Officials

Two basketball officials, John & Jerry were on vacation in the isles of Fiji. While there they decided to go out fishing since hearing of the many great fishing spots.

They rented a boat and left before sunrise. The sun was now shining directly down on their heads. They realized that they'd been out at sea for nearly 4 hrs. Jerry turns around and says, " So much for the great fishing spot! I think I’m ready to head in!"

John replies, "well, let's just try casting over there", as he pointed east of where they were. Jerry agrees and not long after they started hauling in loads and loads of fish.

Jerry with a glee in his face shouts out to John, "this is the best fishing spot ever!” I know, says John we should definitely mark this place. Jerry: don't worry I’ll mark it down.

As they headed back to shore, John asks Jerry what did he put out there as to mark their fishing spot.

Jerry answers: Well I marked the side of the boat! Right here, see, a red cross!
John with a surprised look turns to his friend and says, "that is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard! What if we don't take out the same boat tomorrow"!