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The Banquet Circuit (October 2002)Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.
Where's My Hat? My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister. "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?" My
uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach
on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
Who are you? A lady had a heart attack and suffered a near-death experience. Her "experience" took her in front of her maker. God proclaimed, "What are you doing here? I don't have you dieing for another 30 years or so. Get back to earth!" With that, she went back to her body and awoke in the hospital. Since she had plenty of years left...and she was already in the hospital...she decided to get a face lift, a tummy tuck, the whole nine yards... After the doctors had finished their work, she quickly left the hospital ready to live out thirty more years of her life. She ran across the street and was hit by a truck and was killed instantly. Now in front of God, she said, "What happened!" God explained, "I didn't recognize you!"
The Accident A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied, "I agree with you completely."This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued,"And look at this, here's another miracle - My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break! Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She hands the bottle to the man, as the man nods his head in agreement. He opens it and (due to his traumatic experience) drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...
Are you Polish? (insert your favorite nationality to make fun of here) A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The
guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was The clerk says, "Well, no." With
deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why
did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot"
The Boots A woman walks into a bar and notices a good-looking cowboy. She approaches him and asks, "Is it true what they say about men with BIG feet?" He replies, "It sure is Ma'am. Would you like to come to my place and find out?" She sees no harm and decides to spend the night. The next morning as he is waking up he notices the lady placing a hundred dollar bill on his nightstand. "Wow, I'm flattered. No one has ever paid me for my services," he says. "Don't be," she replies. "Use it to buy a pair of boots that fit!!!" |
