Jokes, stories
and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important
presentation.
5-MINUTE
MANAGEMENT COURSE
**Lesson
1:**
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,
when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob,the next-door neighbor.
Before
she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front
of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to
the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,'
she replies.
'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the
$800 he owes me?'
**Moral of the story:**** **If you share critical
information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you
may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
**Lesson
2:**
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The
nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again
said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the
flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and
went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
**Moral of the story:**** **If you are not well informed in your job,
opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.
**Lesson
3:**
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking
to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me
first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!'
says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's
gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,
'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
**Moral of the story:****
**Always let your boss have the first say.
**Lesson 4:**
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure , why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.
**Moral of the story:**** **To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up.
**Lesson 5:**
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're
packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found
it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The
next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the
tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
**Moral of the story:**** **Bull shit might get you to the top, but
it won't keep you there.
**Lesson 6:**
A little
bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to
the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and pooped
on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began
to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there
all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard
the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered
the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
**Morals of the story**:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your
enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3)
And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
WHY
MEN DON'T HAVE ADVICE COLUMNS
Dear
Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down
the road when my engine conked out & the car shuddered to a halt. I walked
home to get my husband's help.
When
I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in bed with a neighbor making mad
passionate love to her. I'm 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for
12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to say that he went into the back yard,
heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried
the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she
immediately began thanking him & kissing him & he was attempting to break
free when I came back.
But
when I asked him why neither of them had clothes on, he broke down & admitted
that he'd been having an affair for the past 6 months. I told him to stop or I'd
leave him. He was let go from his job 6 months ago, & he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed & worthless.
I
love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
A
car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of
faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes & hoses on the intake manifold
& also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem,
it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure
to the carburetor float chamber.
I
hope this helps...
Walter
One
day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As they ride
along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around. He
says "Hey Paco, you shit your pants?" Paco says "No, Pablo, I did
not shit my pants." He believes him and they keep riding. As they go on,
the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo stops his
horse and turns around. He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did not shit
your pants?" Pablo says "Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my pants."
He says "Ok." They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable.
Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets of his horse.
He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your pants. Paco,
I thought you said you did not shit your pants?" Paco replies "I thought
you meant today!"
