The Banquet Circuit (May 2007)

Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.

You Must Try Once

Sam had just picked up his wife Becky and their new baby from hospital and brought them home. It was not long before Becky suggested that Sam should try his hand at changing a diaper.
"I'm busy," he said. "I promise I'll do the next one."
The next time soon came around so Becky asked him again.
Sam looked at Becky and said, innocently, "I didn't mean the next diaper, I meant the next baby."

I want to get married

Little Paul says to his father, "Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married"
His father says, "For that son, you have to have a girlfriend."
Paul says, "But I've found a girl."
"Who?" said his father.
"My grandma."
"Let me get this straight." the father says. "You want to marry my mother? You can't do that."
"Well, why not?" says Paul. "You married mine."

Classic Henny Youngman Jokes

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Another bum asked me, "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him, "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said, "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"