Jokes, stories and
anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.
Caught
Up In the Moment
The
world’s worst conductor was directing up his band during a practice for an
upcoming concert. Half way through the first act he was directing with wild abandon
when, out of his hand, his baton flew and impaled itself in the eye of a flute
player instantly killing her. The police arrive shortly after and ruled the case
as an accident. The following week at practice, he again was caught up in the
music of the second act and out of his hand flew the baton, which this time struck
a flute player in the eye instantly killing her. The police arrived and after
consideration ruled the case an accident. The following week at practice the conductor
again got lost in the moment of the music of the third act and out of his hand
flew the baton this time hitting a trumpet player in the eye and killing him instantly.
After the police arrived they could not believe that this was an accident after
the third death, and the conductor was arrested. The conductor was tried and sentenced
to death in the electric chair. After strapping him in the chair operator threw
the switch, nothing happened. Again he threw the switch and nothing happened.
The warden was frustrated by this time and demanded that the chair operator explain
what the problem was, to which the chair operator explained, "Well, everyone
knows he's a bad conductor.
The
Son-In-Law
A
very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I welcome you
into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you,
I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the
factory everyday and learn the operation.” The son-in-law interrupted.
“I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see.”
replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and
take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said
the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait
a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a
money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work
in an office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the
son-in-law. “Buy me out.”
Keeping
a Secret
"I don't know about that," huffily answered
a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I
hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for
twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
Women's
Movement (You could easily rewrite this joke for men)
At
the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I
would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After
the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after
the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After
last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer
do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first
day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third
day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After
last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer
do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first
day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third
day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
Hiring
a Private Eye (Again, you could easily rewrite this joke for men)
A
jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband
tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of
her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.
Two
weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence
he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting
there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then
the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her
with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he watches a dozen
or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the
man are sharing obvious utter glee.
"Amazing," said the shocked
husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't believe it."
"What
can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for
you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log."
"I
know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my
wife could be that much fun."
