The Banquet Circuit (March 2004)

Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.

WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE...

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

IS THERE BASKETBALL IN HEAVEN?

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with basketball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was basketball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is basketball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're the starting point guard tomorrow night."

TRAGEDY ON THE GOLF COURSE

Two golfers met at the club. "I heard about your terrible tragedy last week," said one.

"Yes," said the other sadly, sipping his drink. "I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole."

"I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too," the first man said sympathetically. "That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds."

"The carrying wasn't that hard. It was putting him down at every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out."

X MARKS THE SPOT

Two would-be fishermen rented a boat, and one caught a large fish. “We should mark the spot,” he said. The other man drew a large X in the bottom of the boat with a black maker “That’s no good,” said the first man. “Next time out we may not get the same boat.”

NEW YORK TO LOS ANGELES

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"