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The Banquet Circuit (January 2005)Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.
Parrot Problem A
lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front
of a pet store. She
stormed past the store to her work. On
the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are
really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The
next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The
lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the
store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would
make sure the parrot didn't say it again. When
the lady walked past the store that day after work theparrot called to her, "Hey
lady." She
paused and said,"Yes?" The bird said, "You know."
Preparing Chickens A
man at a restaurant asks the waiter, "How do you prepare your chickens?
The
boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem
with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and
was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling
put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked,
"Is your Daddy home?" "Yes,"
whispered the small voice. "May
I talk with him?" the man asked. To
the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting
to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes",
came the answer. "May
I talk with her?" Again
the small voice whispered, "No". Knowing
that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided
he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over
the child. "Is
there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes"
whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering
what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I
speak with the policeman?" "No,
he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy
doing what?" asked the boss. Talking
to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing
concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through
the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A
hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What
is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In
an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed
the hello-copper." Alarmed,
concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are
they there?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."
A Millionaire's Challenge A
rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party,
he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of
his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I
will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool." So
the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great
splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
Surprising Your Spouse Joe
had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight
over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife,
gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her
at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking,
kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once
they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed
so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it
had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give
it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told
her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!" |
