The Banquet Circuit (February 2003)

Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation.

WHO WEARS THE PANTS IN THE FAMILY?

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he Went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

First Aide

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness, I took that first aid course -- all my training came back to me in a flash."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

How old are you?

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?...."I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!!

But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.

What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 .....and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday ....You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy
green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards ..... I was JUST 92 ...

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"

Who's Minding The Store?

I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.

"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?"

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."

Positive Thinking

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home.

As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.

"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile. "Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."

"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."

A Toast To My Brothers

Every Saturday afternoon a gentlemen from Austin, Texas would enter his favorite pub, have a seat, and order three tall glasses of beer. Puzzled by this, the inquisitive bartender had to ask, "Why do you always order three glasses of beer each time you enter my tavern?"

The man replied, "I grew up in a very close family and my two other brothers and I made a pact that each Saturday, even though we are located at different parts of the globe, we would drink a beer for each other."

The bartender thought it was a commendable gesture to their close-knit family, and continued on about his work.

One Saturday afternoon a few months later, the same gentlemen entered the bar and ordered only two beers this time. The bartender, thinking that one of his brother's had died, began consoling him on his loss.

The man quickly replied, "Oh no, nothing happened to either of my brothers." He went on to explain, "I just joined my church and one of the rules they have is no alcohol consumption...but thank God it hasn't affected my brothers!"

Pull, Abe, Pull!

A New York businessman drove his car into a ditch in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in rural Pennsylvania.
Luckily, an Amish farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Abe.
He hitched Abe up to the car and said: "Pull, Esra, pull!"

Abe didn’t move.

Then the farmer yelled: "Pull, Jacob, pull!"

Abe didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer hollered: "Pull, Shilo, pull!"

Nothing.

Then the farmer said: "Pull, Abe, pull!"
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The New Yorker was most appreciative but couldn't help wondering about the names.

"Why did you call your horse by the wrong name three times?" he asked the Amish farmer.

The farmer replied: "Abe is blind. And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try."

The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo."This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida". Clever Dick laughed."Actually", he said, "my father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question!!

The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where ismy mother's husband"? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words:

"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."