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The Banquet Circuit (April 2009)Jokes, stories and anecdotes you can use to entertain your audience during that all-important presentation. One
day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want..' So he tied her up
and went golfing. A
woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags.
I won the lottery!' Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can
you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know
the guy.' A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' Fifty-one
years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon
the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman
a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the
third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman
for 51 years. A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the Congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we wil take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her fail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The
entire concregation said, 'Amen.'
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